Ponderings

Life is a Roller Coaster

2011-01-26T19:34:00.000-08:00

Roller coasters are a favorite of mine. The faster and more extreme, the better; and if it is new, it is for me. The anticipation of the rush, yet the nerves that kick in while waiting for the ride, is part of the exhilarating experience. Freedom, wind, furious turns and then solid ground once more is what makes the roller coaster worth almost any wait.

Life is much like a roller coaster, yet it is definitely not a favorite. It requires not knowing what is around the next bend of life and many times I panic as I anticipate the coming drop. Now I know that God knows what is around that next turn, and that I should trust Him, just as I trust the structural engineer of an actual roller coaster with my life. And yet, when life begins to get fast and furious, with dips and darkness, all I want is to get off the ride and have stable, solid ground. I don't look forward to, nor would I wait in line for the roller coaster of life.

One of the disappointments of a roller coaster is that many times, the wait is so long, that the one minute ride is much too short. But I am willing to bet, that again, the engineers know what is best for a human body when experiencing g-force speed and that less is in fact more in terms of minutes on the ride. God also knows what is best for my human body and just how much testing I can endure, while strengthening my faith in Him. He monitors my progress on the ride of life and is prepared to do what ever is necessary to bring me safely through making me mature and complete, not lacking anything.

The Bible tells me that I am to recognize this trial as pure joy because of what comes at the end it.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

My structural engineer knows exactly how much I am able to bear and with the trial, He will give me a way of escape. He straps me into the particular thrill ride, reminds me of the rules, "Thou shalt keep all hands and arms inside the vehicle, do not get out until the ride comes to a complete stop and most importantly, keep your focus on Me." Many times there seems to be no end in sight and this is when trust in His loving omniscience is crucial. But when the ride does come to a complete stop and I am able to walk away, I realize a critical part of growth and reliance on the One who created both the ride and the rider has occurred.

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.

I live at a roller coaster park. It has not been a walk in the park however, and when one ride ends, and slow meandering for thought and pause is allowed, it is only to realize that I am still in the theme park and that nothing has changed. But, the Architect of my life and this park never changes either. He also holds my hand on the spiraling out of control aspects of life. He never leaves me, or abandons me when I don't think I can handle one more drop or twist. He walks with me, while wandering to next "ride", encouraging me and reminding me of all the times He has never failed me.

I know that one day, I may leave this particular theme park and be led to another type of roller coaster adventure some place else, where all the "rides" are new and all the trials seem impossible, but God goes with me always and everywhere.

Walking with God is usually not an easy, breezy, spring day, but rather like stepping onto a loud, metal machine, buckling up and holding on to the One who holds my future in the palm of His hand. He sets the limits, keeps my coaster on the track and never lets me fall.

And God Provided Wheezie

2010-08-10T10:13:00.000-07:00

"Providence is the care God takes of all existing things." -John of Damascus

Wheezie, the old white gentleman with the sputter and cough came into our lives unexpectedly but right when he was needed. He wasn't much to look at and his idiosyncrasies took getting accustomed to, but he was reliable and available.

Recently, Wheezie seemed to be slipping, not quite his "raring to go" self. And then, at his annual smog check, he failed to pass with a clean bill of health. He gained the title "Gross Polluter" and we were uncertain as to what we should do for him. Only a few days later, he lost his transmission and we knew that a difficult decision must be made.

We decided that we must turn Wheezie over to the state in return for a $1000. This was going to effect our family greatly, as we would be down to one vehicle, but we could not afford the expense that old Wheezie was going to entail. As we pursued the avenue of turning our old gentleman over to the state under the label of "Gross Polluter", we sadly discovered that he didn't qualify. Disappointed, we were now stuck with a car that couldn't run and would take roughly $1000 to fix.

Wheezie came to us through God's gracious hand of provision. Our family had suffered unemployment and a severe injury and God had provided this car for free. Just at the right moment, Wheezie came into our lives. And on his last wheels, we were hanging onto the memory of God's provision and praying that somehow He would provide our family with another form of transportation.

God must love Wheezie too, as Sunday at church, our pastor pulled my husband aside and said that someone had come by the church earlier in the week, and gave the church $1000. My pastor asked the individual if it could be used for a needy family and the generous stranger answered yes. (Interestingly, we hadn't shared this Wheezie situation with our Pastor.)

Wheezie will be getting a new lease on life through the gracious gift of a stranger. Yet the story doesn't end with just our family being blessed in this unique way, the gentleman who will be working on Wheezie has been out of work for some time, picking up side work where ever he can, so Wheezie's demise has turned into a blessing for several families and an inspiration for the entire church.

God still provides manna. He is still the generous Father who cares for the needs of His children and He deserves honor and glory in this modern day provision story.

Philippians 4:19 (King James Version)

But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

Music, the Language of Men and Angels

2010-06-16T11:17:00.001-07:00

"If I speak with the tongues of men and angels but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal." I Corinthians 13:1

What tongue do both angels and men have in common? Music. The angles and elders worship around the throne.

In the center, around the throne, were four living creatures, and they were covered with eyes, in front and in back. The first living creature was like a lion, the second was like an ox, the third had a face like a man, the fourth was like a flying eagle. Each of the four living creatures had six wings and was covered with eyes all around, even under his wings. Day and night they never stop saying: "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come." Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor and thanks to him who sits on the throne and who lives for ever and ever, the twenty-four elders fall down before him who sits on the throne, and worship him who lives for ever and ever. They lay their crowns before the throne and say:
"You are worthy, our Lord and God,
to receive glory and honor and power,
for you created all things,
and by your will they were created
and have their being." Revelation 4:6-11

In heaven the shared tongue is perfect because it has perfect love as its object of worship.

We on earth also have been given the gift of music as an instrument of worship, but so many times we don’t use it as a voice of love for God and it becomes noise.

The voice of love for God and man can have gilded edges of heavenly perfection when our hearts are in perfect communion with God and man. But so many times we bang our gongs and cymbals because we are part of the worship team or some other form of "service" and our hearts are far from the Lord of heaven and earth.

We are to do all to the glory of God. He doesn’t require a perfect performance, a specific type of music or the approval of man, but rather a broken and contrite heart deeply in love with Him.

As in communion, we are commanded to let the plate pass if our hearts are not right, or to leave our gift at the alter and be reconciled to the one with whom we have a broken relationship; so too, it is our responsibility as worshipers and servants of God to do this before we come into worship. We must come pre-prepared to worship God on Sunday mornings and our mid-week services. We are labourers together with God (I Corinthians 3:9) and we must abide with God, if our congregations and our world are going to see God’s face and be led to the throne of grace. We are called to a work that God has ordained in advance for us to do and we are to do it to the Glory of God alone. (Ephesians 2:10)

Oswald Chambers, “ We have no right to judge where we should be put, or to have preconceived notion as to what God is fitting us for. God engineers everything; wherever He puts us, our one great aim is to pour out a whole hearted devotion to Him in that particular work. Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with all thy might.”

What does this look like for a church worship team, an elder board, Sunday school teachers, or those sitting in the pews? For me it means that I do all to the glory of God, not as a man pleaser but as a God pleaser. It means I diligently seek His face in worship at home and not just corporately. It means I let Him lead in the areas in which He has called me to serve and I prepare myself to do this service to the best of my ability. However, when all this is done, I must come before God's throne only concerned that my heart is lined up with His heart and whether I am worshipping in Spirit and in Truth.

This is a high calling: the worship of the King of kings, and not one that should be taken for granted or as an entitlement because one has a voice, or a musical talent, or the ability to teach. It is about one's heart and not about the technical skill one possesses, but about the love one must pour out for God. If this is why we serve God, to be a poured out drink offering to the Almighty, then our service is a sweet smelling fragrance.

Sacrifice costs. Worship team requires sacrifice. Preaching requires sacrifice. Serving in the nursery requires sacrifice. It should be a joy to sacrifice for Jesus. If the cost is not one we are willing to pay with a hilarious and extravagant heart, in light of all He has sacrificed for us, then we must evaluate our love relationship with the Lord. We must truthfully ask God, as the Psalmist did,

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139: 23-24

Christians should only be concerned with God looking over our shoulders and into our hearts and seek His approval alone, not the worlds. When one worries about what other's think, one loses the "heart of worship", and the focus becomes self centered and not God centered. We should as a church desperately desire to be face down, poured out in the worship of our Savior and Lord. He should be our audience of One.

Angels worship around the throne and we too should be worshiping at His feet, moment by moment offering a sacrifice of praise. It is our shared language, the praise of our King. Brother Lawrence said, "We should dedicate ourselves to becoming in this life the most perfect worshipers of God we can possibly be." The time we spend loving our Lord extravagantly, worshiping as He alone deserves, will ultimately catch the attention of men, but it will be because they see God holiness radiating through us and not our feeble attempts to do good works for the sake of service.

Sing praise to the Lord for He is good and His mercy endures forever! Sing praise!

Weight, This Is Too Heavy To Bear

2010-01-27T09:05:00.000-08:00

Proverbs 16:-4 says, "To man belong the plans of the heart, but from the Lord comes the reply of the tongue. All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord. Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and yor plans will succeed. The Lord works out everything for His own ends event he wicked for a day of disaster."

Glory for God alone is the key thought I see in the previous verses. The Lord works out everything for His own ends and all things work out to the glory of God. Whatever I do, it should be done to the glory of God.

II Corinthians 4:16-18 reminds me,

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glroy that far out weighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal."

Everything that we are experience is for God's glory and ultimately for our eternal weight of glory as well. In C. S. Lewis' sermon, The Eternal Weight of Glory, he stated, "The load, or weight, or burden of my neighbors glory should be laid daily on my back, a load so heavy that only humility can carry it, and the backs of the proud will be broken."

What we experience in this life is for God and not about us ultimately. Everything is designed to draw us deeper into our relationship with God so that we may reflect His glory in all circumstances and through this reflection, those around us will see His glory and need to know the source.

The idea that life isn't all about us, is a life long concept to grasp. We exist for God, He doesn't exist for us. So when the pressures of life cause us to fall on our knees crying out to God in need, He is there to hear us, but ultimately, through the process of prayer, He reveals His glory in our lives through our neediness.

"Answer my O Lord, answer me, so these people will know that you, O Lord, are God." I Kings 18:36-37

Elijah prayed this asking the true God of heaven to set ablaze the true alter on earth. In his prayer, Elijah surely hoped for his own vindication. But even more, he hoped God's validation of His own worth. He prayed that God would answer in a way that would cause people to praise Him. Even in your deepest needs, you should be aware that your prayers of desperation contain elements not just of deliverance but also of glory. In your despair, in your lack, and in your ambitions you will see an opportunity for non-believers to see God's glory. You have a higher purpose than your own small circle of influence" (Tiegreen, Worship the King).

What does all this have to do with me? I quote Brian Johnson, "You see us as you want to see us-in simplest terms, in the most convenient definition. You see us a s a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal...."

Each of us has an "ism" that we are continually dealing with or a new trial we are facing. Each of us can find ourselves as a brain, a basket case or a criminal, but God will use that to bring His name to the fore-front and bring His glory down to earth. God is allowing a tough marriage for His glory, to show Himself to the non-believer as the Lord, the God of Creation. He is showing His glory in a brain tumor, in an estranged husband or wife, in the loss of job, in living with other people who aren't a pair of comfortable jeans. But as I write this, it is not about these momentary troubles but for the Glory of God to be revealed to the world through us. We a can fight it, but He will get the Glory with or without us. Or we can submit to His plans, swallow our pride and begin to see His glory in our live to ultimately bring all me to Himself. We need to embrace the rocky marriage, the lack of finances, the hurting and broken body parts, the people in our lives who drive us nuts and to our knees, for these are earning for us an eternal weight of glory.

Angst in the New Year

2010-01-06T14:56:00.000-08:00

I have been nothing but irate, inside and out, this new year! It hasn't even been a week and I just feel that blowing the whole malt shop would be a grand idea! Forget new years resolutions, I am ready to run to the border and flee anything that looks remotely like real life and adult responsibility. It is sad when the grass looks greener even in Tijuana!

I have been reading my journal entries of past New Year's days and the prayers that I have penned for the up and coming years. My readings have only exasperated my crummy mood as I found nothing positive to write in regard to twenty-ten. I suppose my reflections on the previous prayers and the lack of any movement toward an answer has me desperately down and living in the depth of a glass I am choosing to view as half empty. Now there is an attitude of hope for the New Year!

In my head, I know that this is an incredibly non-Christian way of looking at life and that I can and should count my many blessings. Looking to the Cross of Christ, eternity....etc., etc., etc., should put things in a better perspective, an other worldly perspective, yet I erroneously want to wallow in my mire of angst and lick my wounds loudly so all will know that I am frustrated.

This is my New Year journal entry....inspiring I am sure, for those who would like to find a way to tear down Christianity as myth and hopeless. I am not hopeless, for my hope is not in the realities of this world, but this world is draining me to the dregs and I just want out. My hope is in the fact that this world is not all that there is and that someday, I will be in eternity with the Perfection, looking Hope straight in the face and basking in His perfect love forever.

Here's to another year.....come Lord Jesus come.

On my Knees in the Shadow

2009-11-29T20:41:00.000-08:00

In the shadow of the cross, I kneel in thanks. There is nothing in life that should ever cloud this view of grace. These light and momentary afflictions should even be a cause of thanks, for they are storing up for us an eternal weight of glory.

Though our knees may be worn and achy from constant prayerful kneeling, is this not the position that God desires? Are not the cares of the world the very things He uses to show us our great need for Him and allows Him to show us His great love for us?

Forgive me Lord for whining and complaining. Forgive me for not counting it all joy when I encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of my faith produces endurance. Endurance produces Hope and God You are my only Hope!

I remain on my knees in the shadow of your gracious cross, eternally thankful. I love you, Lord!

Throw Down the Worry Crutch and Clutch God's Hand

2009-10-17T13:35:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a crisis when you could honestly say that God's peace was radically evident in the midst, and that you could hear God say, "Well done"?

A few weeks back I heard that voice and floated on God's surpassing peace as my car chugged and came to a stop in the middle of the freeway. No panic ensued, just a matter of fact, step by step, decision to call Russ and then call God and wait. Worry would have only made the situation tense. I wanted so badly to be home, so I could take off my "teaching" costume and put on jammies, but God decided to let my faith be strengthened and to show me His peace on the median of the 215 freeway.

$16.50 an hour on paper can't sustain a family of 6. It can't pay for the inflated gas prices and tuition and insuranse payments and school items. Our bank account goes in the red every pay check and yet God tells me not to worry and live for Him now. So running out of gas with only a dollar of change in my pocket and a negative bank account could have freaked me out, yet I realized that I was right where God wanted me and He was in control.

Don't worry about tomorrow or worry about something even an hour from now: It is a sin. Don't use the crutch: "I'm a worrier by nature". No you are a sinner by nature who chooses to hang onto the crutch instead of God's hand.

Don't be discontent, but count on God to provide the needs as they arise, not the wants. You don't have a right to your wants, you don't even have a right to your needs being met, yet God so loved the world He sent Jesus to meet my greatest need and He promises "all these things will be added to you" when we seek His kingdom and righteousness.

What person adds a day to his life by worrying? No one! Medically speaking worry causes health problems and a shorter life span. But it also causes a lack of peace with God because it breaks the fellowship with Him due to the fact it is sin. Nothing good comes from worry.

I was given a choice on that Tuesday: trust in the Lord or worry. I got a pat on that moment, and peace that passed all understanding. I will worry again but today, I choose to "Throw down the crutch and clutch God's hand."

weary

2009-10-14T20:23:00.000-07:00

Weariness comes with the territory of being poured out, day in and day out for God's kingdom. I have heard time and again that perhaps, when one is weary, that person is doing too much. But I contend that doing too much in one's own strength may cause weariness, but never can one do too much in God's strength for Him. Never.
Paul spoke of being a poured out drink offering. Poured out represents a glass, upside down with little or no liquid left in it. How can I ever pour out until I have emptied myself to the same extent that Paul, or even Christ did? I have yet to be that self empty.
Today was busy. Today felt as if it would never end. Today was done in my strength.
Tomorrow, perhaps will be restful as my life is poured out for Him in His power for those He puts in my path.
God, let me rest now in You, weary, but at peace knowing how I need to do tomorrow better for the Kingdom.

Mary's Upper Room Prayer

2009-04-11T11:26:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in the upper room, numb with pain, alone in shock

The day of hell that You endured, has left you buried behind a Rock.
Today is Saturday: the Sabbath Rest,
And yet I find no peace in this.
Oh Jesus you're dead, buried and gone,
And in this upper room I mourn.

I loved You as a mother could,
Every ounce of strength and guidance would
I give to you my first born Son,
If only I could be the one.
But Savior Jesus, I know
That You came to die, to set me free
And as Your mother I accept this death
And sit here waiting for the promise kept.

In this upper room, I wait,
The ache in my heart, the silent grave.
The fear of what is yet to come,
The knowledge You were the Promised One.
What does it mean Messiah Christ,
That You would willingly give Your life?
So in this upper chamber I wait
And cry to God my soul to take.

I recall the day that you were born,
In a cold dark cave that blessed morn.
And now again you are in a cave of stone,
Only this time all alone.
There are no shepherds, no earthly father,
I can't come near You, yet I am Your mother.
Behind the rock you are wrapped in clothe,
As you were the day of Your birth;
Yet this time we cry out in anguish, in pain
And the tears that flow are not of joy,
But of deep agony for my little boy.

I ponder these things as I morn, and search
For the truth in why You came to earth.
The words of the angel come to my mind,
You are the Son of the Most High,
Your name is Jesus, the Lord Saves,
So perhaps this death is not in vain.
It must be part of a greater plan,
Something I can't see or understand,
As Your body lays cold, in a borrowed grave,
I'll wait to see my Jesus raised.

There is hope in my heart, as I recalled
The angel's words to this once young girl,
That Your kingdom will never come to an end;
And so my son Your life may return again.
I don't know how, I must only believe,
As I once did long ago when I conceived;
And again I offer this prayer to God:
I am the Lord's servant, may it be as You have said.

It is Saturday evening after Your death,
The upper room is quiet though none have slept.
The tension is felt, of the great unknown,
The life we have led seems completely undone,
And yet we all wait,
Today in a fog,
Not certain what to do or say,
Not even sure there's a God.
But I know You are there with a bigger plan
And I'll wait in this room to hear Your command.
I am Your servant Lord and I will believe,
Even when the heart is aching, when there is deep grief.
This in between place of blind faith in Your Sovereignty
Is all I have to rest on in this dark upper room.

I say a silent prayer to the One who keeps
The earth on its axis and the waters of the deep,
I surrender my all to the One God in heaven
And ask Him to grant peace to the eleven
Disciples who followed my Son Jesus Christ,
Who believed in His mission, who followed His life,
That in His death, they may hang onto a hope
That comes only from God, the Son and Holy Ghost.

Lessons from the North Wind

2009-03-29T16:25:00.000-07:00

"I don't quite understand you North Wind. You tell me what then." "Well I will tell you . If you see me with my face all black, don't be frightened. If you see me flapping wings like a bat's, as big as the whole sky, don't be frightened---you must believe that I am doing my work. Nay, Diamond, if I change into a serpent or a tiger, you must not let go your hold of me, for my hand will never change in yours if you keep a good hold. If you keep a hold, you will know who I am all the time, even when you look at me and can't see me the least like the North Wind. I may look something very awful. Do you understand?"

"Quite well," said little Diamond. (At the Back of the North Wind-George Macdonald)

I am learning to be like Diamond, though not ready to say, "Quite well" with as much belief behind it. God is under no obligation to explain things to me. Yet He does whisper, don't be frightened. He is under no pressure to move in my timing and He tells me, "I make all things beautiful in My time." He doesn't have to look like the God I picture Him to be, or the sweet little Jesus portrayed by some Master Painter. He is the Great I Am. How does one picture this?

So when the rug again gets tugged and I land on my back side looking up and weeping because I don't get it, I must realize that all I have to do is keep holding onto His hand. If I hold onto Him, I will know who He is at all times. Many times, I don't hold on, or at least I loosen my grip and don't feel the indents of His nail scarred hands and then I begin to question and fear. But it is I who have let my hold lessen when the darkness of the situation is upon me. The time I need to cling to the light, I panic and squirm to get to what I think is a reasonably safe place to be, yet He is all Goodness and Truth and will never let me go.

The beautiful thing about the Hand of God is His scars that touch my life remind me of the Love He has for me. If the circumstances of my life appear dark, I can feel His hand and remember that dark Friday when the scars were fresh wounds. The darkness of that day gave way to eternal beauty and the glory of the Lord reigned in heaven and on earth. The tears that I have cried today are not forgotten by my God. His hand reaches down and wipes my cheek while His voice whispers, "Peace, be still, do not be afraid." I may not recognize His shape at times, but I hear His voice and know Him and He knows me. I feel His hand and know the marks that represent my salvation, will faithfully guide and protect me. I know that the tears that have fallen and the prays that have been cried are worship to God's ears and that He loves me and hears my desperation.

The North Wind blows and I know not where it comes from or where it goes, but I believe....

Read Any Good Law Lately?

2009-03-20T22:07:00.000-07:00

"Fallacies do not cease to be fallacies because they become fashions." - ILN, 4/19/30 G.K. Chesterton

Read the fine print. Never sign anything without reading the number 4 font legalese at the bottom of every legal document. This is what got so many home owners in trouble; they failed to read the fine print before signing a note their paychecks couldn't keep up with down the road.

But it is not just the mistake made by those on "Main Street" as Obama so cheerfully calls them, but those ruling on "E Capitol St NE & 1st St NE", on behalf of the American citizen. who should be reading the fine print before they sign anything into law. Any business plan worth it's salt is never rushed into, but thoroughly researched, analyzed, professional advise sought and legally examined prior to any signature. It is said the foolish man begins to build without counting the cost, yet the very men and women who attempt to run our government have fallen prey to the same blind mistake thousands of displaced homeowners have faced. The Congress has panicked, they have not done their due diligence, they have signed their John Hancocks to legally binding contracts that affect the lives of Main Street, Wall Street and every dirt road in America. Don't do as they do, nor do as they say, for those who have signed legislation into law without adequately reading, let alone researching the full letter of the law which their signatures whole heartily declare support for, do so in ignorance, not in the good faith of their constituents.

Terry Neece of the NCPA stated in an interview with Our Blook, "There is little to praise in this $787 billion stimulus bill. The President signed a colossal bill that virtually no one read, which relies on out-of-date economic theories to stimulate the economy." No one read the fine print and no one did the homework. According to Neece, the economic theories that Congress is operating with in order to write this legislation is "obsolete".

The rush to judgment, on a rush job, that stimulates a rush to panic, should cause the governing body to rush and reconsider their ways and means. The ire felt due to the recent bonus pay for AIG, on the backs of American taxpayers, is the fault of those who penned their names without doing their due diligence. So instead of taking responsibility, they pass the buck, or rather steal the buck back from the very one's they mistakenly gave the money to in the first place. It seems to me, that our representative body would do well to give back the pork and beans, and the bonuses they gave themselves and their pet projects, when they signed this stimulus legislation.

The Magna Carta stated that the King was not above the law and even he must obey it. Our founding documents are largely based on this philosophy and yet I wonder if the Senators, the Congressmen and the President have ever read and given credence to the values found in this most important legal document. I find it hard to believe that they have read it, let alone practice it. They live and rule as if they are above the law of the land and they punish the peasants and wealthy landowners for questioning their authority and intelligence.

Not what I want to do...but I do it anyway

2009-02-11T21:05:00.000-08:00

Ugliness. That is how my attitude has been recently; flat out ugly and spewing filth without much effort. It doesn't take much. To be honest, it is aimed in one direction and I feel it boiling up, but haven't tried to keep the lava inside the mountain. I just let it rip and then I feel bad.

What is the solution? Like an earthquake fault, I keep swallowing the frustration and then I just rumble. I know that so much of the rumblings is due to being tired of the "trial" that we have lived in for so long. But did Paul rumble when he was tired of the trials he under went? I don't think so! He was in jail and sang. He was ship wrecked and joyfully built the fire. He had trials that normal people like me don't encounter and I don't see much complaining on his part. He knew how to be content in all things. What about me? Why can't I be content and sing in this jail? Why don't I let the earthquake I feel rumble under my chest, shake the chains from my heart and the locks on the gates, so that I can live in contented freedom, no matter what and whom I am living with.

I think humility is what Paul had that I lack. I think he had literally seen the Lord and knew how to keep his eyes on the Author and Finisher of his faith. I think that his humility came because he saw the Lord and saw himself as the most wretched of sinners and didn't have a problem admitting this to anyone. He was transparent and vulnerable and used by God.

I bubble up and words come spewing and then shame overwhelms. At least I know the Holy Spirit is doing His job; I sense His promptings even before the ugly comes flying out. If only there was gaffers tape to cover the lips. But the lips speak what is in the heart and there in lies the problem. I do what I do not want to do. I think what I do not want to think. I feel what I do not want to feel. Oh wretched girl that I am.

There are so many things bombarding me these days and all I can do is hang on for dear life. Hang on to "The Dear Life" to help me. Thank you Jesus that you don't walk away when my lava flows. When the earthquake in my heart shakes and steam pours out. You see it before it even reaches the surface and somehow, some way you love me just the same. You will change this ugliness into something beautiful. Only You can take a broken pot and make it a glorious work of art, ugliness turned into beauty, vileness polished to a crystal pure shine, and an alabaster jar to be used by the Master, even in her unfinished raw form.

Once Upon a Time

2009-02-04T20:25:00.000-08:00

Whatever happened to those confident, proud words, "I'm going to sing before and all the way through this Red Sea journey! I'm not going to be like the Israelites and panic, only singing praise to God after He has rescued me. No, I am going to sing in the face of danger!" It sounds like a super hero flick: high tech, special effects, dazzling the audience with theme music that invigorates the soul, not my Christian faith. It looks like Peter, "I will die for you Lord!" and then, "I don't even know the man!" This is me in the flesh, trying to brave the great unknown, smile in place, courageous words of faith spoken like a Biblical champion of old, yet lying face down in a muddy puddle of my tears, fears and failure. When all I could see was the puddle and it brought fear and anguish, Satan had done his job and done it well. One can't sing to the Lord through the trials of life with dirt in one's throat and eyes full of dusty tears, focused on the little bit of earth one is lying on.
Like a bad horror flick where the heroine braves the scary, dark, eerie music infested woods, seeking the monster but then turns, running blindly, recklessly for safety, tripping, crashing to the ground, only to crawl painfully toward the perceived safety ahead, while hot scorching, wretched beast breathe is searing her neck.......this is my episode of foolish bravery gone awry. I know that I am not alone in this haunted wood, many have passed this way before me.

Was my intention of singing in the rain, praising in the storm misguided? Never are godly, biblical intentions wrong. But singing in my own strength and getting my power to do so from the admiration of on lookers was doomed to fail. Striking out alone in the woods to meet the enemy, with only the good wishes and cheers of others, was foolish at best. On- lookers and friends come around at an initial crisis, a hero syndrome all of it's own, and when the crisis grows too lengthy, dull or inactive, or even a better cause arises elsewhere, the helpful crowd of cheerleaders abandon their posts of cheer and wait for the funeral announcement instead. When one's support system crumbles, so does one's strength to go on singing. Suddenly, the heroine loses her status, the mood turns dark and the end of the song comes prematurely.

Brave words, spoken in truthful abandon to God, don't fall on His ears as meaningless ramblings, yet He knows that the very pledge to remain strong in the face of difficulty is humanly impossible and therefore I am in need of a Savior. He knows that the heart felt pomp and dedication to start strong for Him, to put a good foot and face forward, would fail from a human effort if the trial went longer than the well intentioned stamina. So should the heroine not claim victory prior to the dangerous, ominous fight? Should the bold statement, "I will sing before the Red Sea parts, before deliverance!" have not been spoken at all? Spoken words of dedication to God and trust in His promises and ability to deliver are never mis-spoken words. But had the heroine made it through in her own strength of song, where would the need for God's hands of forgiving grace and mercy have come in to pick her up, wipe off the salty, mud streaked cheeks and carry her to deliverance and victory in His perfect strength, while gaining all the glory and honor due His Name?

The heroine and the song are part of God's great story. He is the Author and Protagonist. It is an autobiography in which the heroine plays a minor role in order for God to come in and slay the dragon and save the day. The confidence, though well placed, initially, wore away when the struggle became to oppressive to continue on in one's own song. And so, the theme music changes, though the struggle remains, and the focus is no longer on the heroine or even when or how the saving will come, but on the Writer Himself, as He narrates how the story will climax and eternally shine into the annuls of Great Stories of God.

Sing before, in, through, and in spite of the storm. Sing songs of deliverance, songs of joy and songs of pain- for they are all part of the great musical epic that God is directing in each of our lives.

Unconditional

2009-01-18T16:08:00.000-08:00

How much is too much?
We strive, we try, we do our best, we beat the beast within down, trying to tame it. Like a can of Dr. Pepper shaken not stirred, waiting to blow, we shove our frustrations inside and call it long suffering. But if we are honest, we are just eating ourselves into obesity, the obesity that comes from super-sizing our ability to handle the elements from without. But that is just it: our ability.
We can't give grace or mercy or unconditional love for long, especially when it is being demanded from a source that also struggles with this. So we continue to shake the soda can, knowing full well what will happen. We call our struggle for personal control a fruit of the Spirit: Long Suffering, Patience, maybe even Gentleness or Kindness, but perhaps it is just well practiced biting of the tongue. Perhaps on closer examination, there are bloody gashes in one's mouth from holding back so long. So how much is too much? How many times do we allow the can's in our lives to be shaken in our own strength? How many times do we bite back words in the name of love, "what more, in the name of love"?

Unconditional means Jesus loves me in my wretchedness. Unconditional means I am to love as He loved me. I can't. I should, but I can't. Jesus poured out grace again and again to people who rightly frustrated Him. Jesus spoke the truth in love, even if the words seemed unkind, to white washed tombs and religious zealots, who didn't do it right either. Jesus didn't need to bite His tongue, the only piercings He had were not on His tongue, but on His Hands and Feet. His unconditionalness, His grace, His love resulted in a cross, crown of thorns and a spear in the side.

I am not like this even in the wildest desires of my heart. Perhaps in a moment of deep devotion I may admit an inkling of desire to the Lord for this type of love, but when the rubber hits the fan, or any other type of organic material, I fail, miserably. How does one speak the truth in love and not shove the frustration down? When does one swallow hard and administer grace, turning the other cheek. Jesus did both. He spoke out against hypocrisy, He offered undeserved forgiveness, He quietly was lead to slaughter. Do we spin the wheel and pick the proper behavior? Do we roll the dice and follow the dictates of our emotional stability for the day to determine whether a gentle answer turns away wrath, or love covers a multitude of sin? How and when do we speak truth in love or turn the other cheek?

The can has been punctured and the dark liquid is hissing out, but I want to do it right. I just don't have the strength on my own. I can't pour out the grace when the frustration is spewing out my side. I can't pretend the unconditional love when the soda can seems to have intentionally been shaken. Pretending only results in a sticky mess.

The fruit of the Spirit is love....unconditional, gracious, merciful, forgiving. Are any of us doing it right? Do any of us really love as Christ loved us? Only on our best days, when everyone is looking perhaps do we shine like white washed tombs, but what about when the bones and skeletons are animated and rattling our lives? Then what? Do we unconditionally give grace?

It is a bitter drink realizing how far I am from this. Can I honestly sing the words, "Show me how to love like you have loved me"? Do I really want the burning fire to destroy those things in my life that are keeping me from loving in this manner. Am I willing to be so closely examined by the Spirit, and ready to adhere to His movings in my soul, that I must obey His promptings?
We cry that we want to be like Jesus, we want to be like Jesus, but won't submit to the humble suffering, the non-grasping manner in which He lived His life for us as an example.
I believe our songs and our prayers are conditional because we say when and how much. We dictate to God what we are willing to do. We want heaven, but not the cost of the ticket. We want Jesus, but not the blood that was shed. We want His love, grace and mercy, but not at the expense of giving up our rights to our issues, our rights to ourselves. We want our Dr. Pepper in a can and in an icy cup, not realizing we can't have it both ways. So we strive to look like Christ and continue to swallow our anger in the name of patience and not give it up completely to the One who died for all the angry, hard to love, people in the world.

If, then. If I am a sinner, I will go to hell. If Christ died, I can be saved. I am a sinner, Christ did die, then why am I hanging onto the things that He saved me from?
Unconditioanal love is humanly impossible.

Santa Didn't Bring Me What I Wanted and Now I am Pouty!

2009-01-05T20:02:00.001-08:00

I sent a letter to Santa, or maybe it was God. I remember writing the same thing last year, I thought perhaps the first got lost. So I picked up my pen and again jotted down my request, but once again on Christmas morn I realized I'd been forgot. I want to give the benefit of the doubt to the Giver of Gifts, but right now, my human nature is really throwing a fit. I want to stomp like a toddler and scream, "Hey, I've been really good!" Why didn't my two year old Christmas gift come wrapped as I think it should?
So what do you tell yourself when the magic is not found, when the Christmas lights still glitter, the songs are still sung, but your heart is not into it, when all's said and done. What do you tell your heart when it is crushed with disappointment? When the Gift Giver, the Answerer of Prayer, doesn't answer the way you think fair?
You can do what I've done and throw a sullen fit. You can walk around in a miff because of what you didn't get. Or you can write another letter, or rather get down on your knees and ask the Giver of Life for forgiveness....if you please. And while you are bowed down to the One who gives good gifts, present your requests to God again, and let Him decide what is best.
He knows what I need, but sees the desires of my heart. He loves me enough to say no and perhaps even before Christmas, He will answer this request for a Home.

Wrapping up the Year...

2008-12-25T13:33:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas! I’ve been thinking about what to wrap up for Jesus, as He is the birthday King. I was left with a sense of empty hands and didn’t know what to bring. I pondered what would honor Him and show Him my grateful love and this thought that moved me deep within, I encourage you also to give.

Each year, six days from now, we all begin a new. A list of resolutions we write to change and undo, the damage of the past years habits, the choices we’d like to see removed and so this list we create with a solemn vow to improve. And yet we endlessly fail again, perhaps with the same vows from last years end, and so this year I suggest that we wrap up these lists and place them before the One who can indeed help us succeed.

The problem with resolutions is the problem with man, we simply can’t change on our own and that is God’s plan. We have to realize that we will fail, and in knowing this weakness we will then succeed. Our resolutions are only as good as our recognition of God’s power in our lives and God’s power in our lives is only as good as we are willing to surrender to His will. Our gift to Jesus this year should be our wrapped up lists of what we will change and recognize that it is only He who can change us. This is what we need and what He wants for His birthday.

So I am making a list and checking it twice, I encourage you to do the same, I’ll make sure that I’m honest with what needs to go and give it to the King. Then I’ll take out the gift-wrap and boxes and bows and place this list under the tree, I’ll address it to Jesus and sign it with love from His creation, His child, from me.

Merry Christmas dear friends, we pray that you will have a New Year full of God’s grace and His Power of change in your lives as you surrender to His will in 2009!
Under His Mercy, The Selby Clan
Russ, Mary, Alethia, Abigayle, Adilynn and Austin

Sadness For My Country

2008-11-25T21:29:00.000-08:00

I have been reading the blogs on Change.gov in regard to healthcare. In the conversation, the idea that somehow this is a "right", that this is all important and what will save our country, makes me sad. Our country needs missionaries! Our country needs the Lord Jesus Christ, not a Universal Healthcare System! The heart of our country is deceptively wicked and going to hell, but they are looking for a free government handout to fix their perceived woes.
Jesus said it best when he said that the sick need a doctor. Our country is sick, morally so, and in need of a Great Physician.
Pray for healing. Pray for our America and the "right" that it was founded on. The right to worship in freedom and in truth. Our dear country needs a Savior, not a Universal Healthcare System!

Sacrifice? Give me a break!

2008-11-15T18:44:00.000-08:00

Oswald Chambers kept me from being a Jonah the other day. God asked us to stay and continue to help with the Greer kids even after Kevin returns from the Ukraine. In my heart, as we were talking to them on Skype, I knew the answer was yes, but of course we prayed first, because it is the 'spiritual' thing to do. The following morning, all three of my devotionals screamed: You will say "yes". Mr. Chambers spoke loudly in 'My Utmost for His Highest', "How can we talk of making a sacrifice for the Son of God! Our salvation is from hell and perdition, and then we talk about making sacrifices." Okay, Lord, I hear you. This is not a sacrifice.

Then I read in 'A Pillar By Day' this statement, "When we choose to take up the cross and say, "It's not about the what's easiest for me. It's about what's best for the most people I can possible reach and help. I'm going to go and do this, it's the way of the cross." (Jon Corson) Again, nailed between the eyes and the heart...I say "Yes Lord, I hear You."

Then, as if this was not enough, (Peter do you love me, feed my sheep!) I read Philippians 3: 7-11, "But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider the passing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." Father, I hear you. There is no sacrifice in doing this, it is just what your Son would have done with joy in His heart and a smile on His lips. This is not the way of the cross, this is a walk in the park with the Lord.

I am so guilty of thinking that I am doing such a sacrificial work for the Lord when I step up and "do" for the Lord, but am I bleeding? I am not a martyr! Am I giving up my very life blood for another? Do I have scars in my hands to prove this sacrifice? We American Christians think we give up, 'sacrifice' so much....PLEASE! Name one thing that falls in the category of "The fellowship of sharing in His sufferings" that occurs in our lives in the United States. Quickly, the Jeopardy theme song is playing....name one sacrifice that we have made that is the way of the Cross. Times up. Nothing. Right?

I hope that this has speared your heart straight through, as it did mine. We look around and see what we are missing, the bad economy and the lack of vanity items we may be forced to give up, the time we lose by being a 'servant for God', in the nursery, babysitting, helping our neighbors, the list can go on, and yet the is no blood, sweat or tears. Tragic that we are soft, pampered and ill prepared for the fire that previous Saints have suffered through and even those in the persecuted church around the world today endure, they have shared in the sufferings of our Lord Jesus Christ.

So, I will not be a Jonah. Whales are beautiful on the outside only. I will go to Nineveh and not take a side trip inside this beast because I choose not to obey when I am called to serve.
How about you? Feeling sacrificial?

voting made possible by a long wait in line

2008-11-01T16:03:00.000-07:00

An hour and a half ticked by as I watched the people around me stirring in their seats, talking with the stranger next to them, all waiting for the same event. I have never had the privilege of waiting so long to cast my ballot. It was exciting to see the amount of people who were voting today. There was a sense of urgency and perhaps pride in the crowded waiting room. The lack of apathy should be cause for celebration, and yet I feel doomed to the inevitable. As I looked around the room, I was the minority in almost every sense of the word. It was America in waiting, as far as the melting pot image goes, that we have grown to know and appreciate. All walks of life were represented. I saw several gays, many Latinos, two old couples who just arrived off the bus from Woodstock, a woman sporting her donkey covered democrat t-shirt stating: Sex and Voting....you fill in the blank. and the Afro-American (to be pc) were out in force. I am sure there were some conservatives in the mix, but if looks could kill, the conservative vote was in the line of fire.

I had a blog discussion with a young man this past week regarding Obama and his extreme stance on abortion. Abortion has been on the back burner this campaign season, because the saviour effect, the economy and biased media has controlled the discussion. But abortion should continue to be a key talking point for Conservatives and somewhere along the way, it was stashed in the baggage hold of the election train. The young man didn't want to really discuss the abortion issue, he was taking offense to the comparison of abortion and slavery. He thought it was in poor taste because of the color of the Democratic Candidates skin. This comparison has been strongly made in past forums and long before Obama ever came on the scene. The young man encouraged me not to vote for a candidate based on one issue. I agree, but turned the table on him as his argument fails in view of the fact that most of the people I saw voting today were voting because of the one issue: Change "A black man for president". They haven't really read what the Obama plan means for them. They probably haven't been on the official website and looked into what he believes for education, war, energy, health care. I have read the fine print and would not vote for him even if he was my favorite shade of green. His philosophy of life is not the Christian World View that I hold and that I love and cherish.

So is there hope for those of us who cling to a Biblical World view? Can conservatives still win in this election? Only if the grassroots conservatives make up their mind to not lay down and play beat already can we save this country from a dangerous left turn.
Vote. Wait in line and vote. It matters more than ever. Make history and know that no matter what happens, you have earned the right to complain.

boycott obama

2008-10-21T19:37:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone,
My dad, Tom Logan, sent the following letter to Fox because of the audacious amount of time that has been given to Obama for a commercial during the World Series.

Dear Sirs: It has come to my attention that Major League Baseball has moved the start time of World Series game 6 back 8 minutes to accommodate FOX so they can air a 30 minute campaign message by Sen. Obama. Who applied the pressure to cause such a decision? It is obvious that FOX will be paid handsomely for that air time, but what caused Major League Baseball to buckle under . . . more money? or a political agenda?
I will be watching each game and taking note of every sponsor. I will not buy one product from any of them and I would think others might do likewise.
Tom Logan

Here is a new article regarding the commercial.
NEW YORK (Hollywood Reporter) –
Barack Obama might have the power to move the World Series by a few minutes.To accommodate the half-hour October 29 time buy by the Obama campaign, Major League Baseball has agreed to move the start time of World Series Game 6 by about 15 minutes, from about 8:20 p.m. ET to 8:35 p.m."Fox will accommodate Senator Obama's desire to communicate with voters in this longform format," Fox Sports said in a statement. "We are pleased that Major League Baseball has agreed to delay the first pitch of World Series Game 6 for a few minutes in order for Fox to carry his program on October 29. If requested, the network would be willing to make similar time available to Senator McCain's campaign."Along with CBS and NBC, Fox was approached by the Obama campaign last week to purchase the 8-8:30 p.m. time slot October 29. If a Game 6 is needed, Fox is obligated to carry the game. That prevented the network from agreeing outright to carry the commercial, which was cleared by CBS and NBC last Thursday.The blessing from MLB clears the way for Fox to air the promo and collect upward of $1 million in ad revenue for the half hour, more than what either CBS or NBC was charging.While a big network ad buy from a presidential candidate is rare, it's not unprecedented for a network and sports league to move the start time of a sports event to accommodate a political broadcast. In early September, the National Football League moved up the kickoff time of the opening-night game -- which aired on NBC -- to 7 p.m. to make sure that the game would be over before Sen. John McCain stepped up to the podium to accept the nomination of the Republican party during its national convention.Reuters/Hollywood Reporter Please respond in like manner, passing this boycott on to other friends and letting the news media, who has worshipped and promoted the ground that Obama has walked on, that Americans are not pleased to have America's game politicized in such a blatantly partisan manner.

Thank you for your Patriotic help!
Under His Mercy,
Mary Selby

to be

2008-10-05T09:19:00.000-07:00

To just "Be" in Christ...that is the question. How to "be" at His feet on Sunday (or any day), when you are called to serve is a line I am trying to walk. How to Prepare for the Sabbath, to gather the quail and manna the day before, prepare the meal, and gather the firewood so that the day of Worship is a "being" day in Christ not a "doing" day.
God created the Sabbath for man to find rest in Him, to be still and know that He is God. I am trying to find that balance and yet serve Him by leading others into worship. Even if I were sitting at His feet, physically before Jesus as Mary was, could I shut down my concerns and my desire to please and "do" perfectly and really worship? How do we take the gifts that are only ours because they come from the Giver of Life and cast them before His throne is such a way that we leave earths presence and enter into His?
How to "be" in a "do" world is a life long lesson I am afraid, and I don't think I am anywhere close to getting it.
But I pray today, that I can "be" with God in worship and see His face while all else fades away.

Please God, show us the rainbow

2008-09-23T19:34:00.000-07:00

Up and down, angry, confused, befuddled, tears, hurt, pain, questioning, numb, and the list continues. We humans are dealing with all of these emotions, as we reel in the past week's loss of a precious child. We search for reasons to comfort, we want to understand the mind of God on this, we cry because there is no other way to deal with the vacuum that is left by such devastation.
I think that last time I really had this out of control, "this can't be happening", feeling was on 9/11, but this is more personal. It is a friend and sister in the Lord who has had two planes crash into her home. The first bomb is the battle that her first born is fighting through, the battle of her lifetime: brain cancer. The second fatal explosion was the loss of her unborn child this past week. Both have left an indelible mark, and deep scar that will remain forever.
So many people have expressed so much mourning and loss for this family, complete strangers for the most part. The humanness of this has transected all back grounds and has challenged even the deepest and strongest faith in God.
Oh God, please if you read blogs, show us something in all of this that represents the rainbow, that shines like Resurrection Sunday, that demonstrates that You alone are glorified and victorious. We humans can't understand this and we are hurting. Please my Lord, read this cry from many human hearts and show us your loving, gracious, merciful hand in a situation that seems like You weren't around on Thursday last.

Sometimes it just won't make sense

2008-09-19T17:15:00.000-07:00

There is a time for everything, yet it seems most of this time doesn't make sense. This time
on earth is cloudy with a chance of confusion and only the lamp to light our feet.

My dear friend's unborn baby died last night. My dear sweet sister has
been in the battle of a life time for the life of her oldest daughter. Little Lauren
is battling a brain tumor, and now Hilary and Gordon are battling the darkness
of losing this precious baby. And all we can do is battle on our knees for them
against the prince of darkness who comes to rob, steal and destroy.
I can't wrap my brain around this. But I do know that I must continue to
pray for them, so that the mortal enemy of their souls won't get a foot hold.

It is a time to pray. It is a time to seek God's eternal kingdom, where every tear
will be wiped away. There is a growing desire for living outside of time, where
the life's pain can't reach and where holy perfection resides.

A Time for Everything
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

But for now, as life continues to not make sense and death continues to bite and sting, we must find time to pray.

Never to Return to Neverland

2008-09-07T18:09:00.000-07:00

I have been letting my first born go from the moment I knew she was to "be" and learning to leave her in the loving and ever present hands of God. And yet, as she has physically gone away to college, I find myself having to place her on the altar again and I am faced with a very real physical and emotional pain that sends me to my knees trusting her to God's perfect and loving care.

It isn't a matter of worry for her safety or even her walk with the Lord, but a matter of cutting the very heart strings, the "Umbilical Cord", that we have shared through daily living and loving and learning together. Nothing can really prepare a mom for the amputation that occurs as she watches her child learn to fly. There is an actual cutting that takes place and the blood and tears she thought she once shed for her child seems to be a mere paper cut in comparison to the surgical procedure that occurs when that child becomes all grown up. Just as it hurts to birth a baby, the leaving the nest is also a birthing process and the labor pains are difficult at times. Only this time, instead of having a precious newborn lying in her arms, she is left emptied armed and watching as the newborn walks away as an adult, never to return again as she once was.

It is part of life, and yet, as with all things, the joy of childhood is balanced with the pain of growing up and never returning to Neverland. A corner is turned, and though that little girl looks more and more like you did at that age, she will show small glimmers of what was and the sweetness of her girlhood, yet she will never really be that person again. She will become a woman, molded by her childhood and reflecting her parents, but she will be her own person, her own "masterpiece" created before hand to do good works for God.

This is really what we strive for as parents, our children following in the footsteps of the Savior, as their feet turn away from home. Yet the pride we have in seeing this come to fruition does not dull the pain much in the letting go and again we find ourselves following the footsteps of the Savior, trying to lean on Him through this transition period. I wonder as I watch my daughter leave home and the pain of separation, knowing it is only miles and days, not eternity, what must God the Father have felt as He let His Son walk out the door and become a baby with a death sentence on His head. Did Abba also feel this type of pain? He spoke as a proud daddy over His Son while Jesus walked on earth, but was there also a sense of pride, watching Him leave His heavenly home, knowing the path that this Son was about to live and fulfill. I think God the Father must have felt a little of what I am feeling now. I know that the future is in God's hands and that my girl is also under His protective wing; so as I weep, missing my friend, I trust God with my heart as well, to care for it, as He cares for my girl.

Nothing can prepare one's heart for the labor pains that come with a child leaving home except to continually go to the Father and trust Him with His Daughter, His workmanship: my daughter, my child, my pride and joy.

Life is all about the wait

2008-09-03T22:32:00.000-07:00

I waited patiently for the Lord, He inclined and heard my cry....
Life is all about the wait.
God is about Glory.
My life brings Him glory only when I wait on Him.
To live a glorifying life and a life that glorifies, means I must live in patient waiting on God.
Waiting for His good pleasure.
Waiting for His direction.
Waiting to serve Him.
Waiting to "be" for Him.
Waiting to "do" for Him.
Waiting to hear from Him.
Waiting to see Him.
I don't have to wait to pray to Him, for He is always available.
But do I make Him wait for me?
I am really that arrogant to make Him wait?
Yet, God is gracious and merciful and does patiently wait for me, to get my act together and stop doing my way, my things, and get back into waiting on the Lord.
Waiting...like a server at a restaurant. Waiting hand and foot for the Creator of the universe. Waiting for the Lover of my Soul. Waiting for the Author of my life.
What is the rush? Why not wait patiently for the Lord? Doesn't He have my end in sight?
Wait on the Lord, I say wait on Him....and live!

The blind leading the blind

2008-07-14T14:38:00.000-07:00

I think it a sad commentary on marriage in this country, in this world, when the statement "after "x" amount of years, and you're still happy...or in love...etc. It seems rather horrible, dishonoring, when we have to give a standing ovation or free desert or a complimentary meal for being married for so long. Shouldn't marriage be expected to last and not expected to fail? Yet this is the world in which we marry. If wine and cheese are supposed to be better with age, shouldn't something of a sacred nature grow more beautiful and deep and happy with age as well? Just like our relationship with the Lord should grow deeper and more profound as it ages, so should our human relationships. Our friendships do, the relationships with our children do, but we seem astounded when a marriage lasts and is happy to boot.
Russ and I always joke in a very serious manner, that we are going to be married and in love for the next 98 years. I think that is one of the reasons that we have made it through all the ups and downs we have had. Quitting is not an option and divorce is a sin, and Christ is the center. Our focus , though at times gets inward and lost in the daily irritations and details, yet somehow we turn our eyes from our feet and our selfishness, and outward toward God, each other and the road ahead. That perhaps is the secret to a long, happy marriage...not, a marriage that gets by because it must for the children's sake or any other excuse beside sticking to one's covenant of love and faithfulness, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part, as long as we both shall live. In these very vows there lies the promise of hardship along with happiness, the two walk hand in hand, as a married couple must as well.
G.K. Chesterton stated, "Love is not blind; that is the last thing that it is. Love is bound; and the more it is bound the less it is blind." As love grow old together, and the eyes do grow dim with age, marriage is bound because of what it has seen of the other, and what the other has seen of oneself. It has no where else to go but deeper in and further in love.

What are you waiting for?

2008-05-23T21:42:00.000-07:00

What are you waiting for Lord? Is it me that is waiting or are You? I am holding up the process or are You? What are you waiting for? I waited patiently for the Lord, He inclined and heard my cry...Have you heard Lord? Have I been patient enough? Those who wait one the Lord will renew their strength, they will mount up on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary.... God I am waiting...I haven't any place to go and I am weary...Please hear my cry and answer me.
I am still waiting on the Rock in the middle of the raging river, waiting Lord, waiting for You to make the waters subside. Some days it seems that their is a change in the water, a slowing, a calming and a bit of sun peaking through the stormy sky, but then nothing happens, nothing changes and all things remain as before....standing between two points, with no place to make a move, or a decision. God we are standing on Your promises, and we are weary, and we are begging you to hear our prayers, our cries, our passionate pleas, and yes my begging that you would alter the course of this raging river and give us dry, solid and conclusive ground to stand on.
What are you waiting for? Is is me or is it You? Please Lord, could you say, times up? Could you call our name as we wait and tell us it is our turn? I am listening, but perhaps not hearing....I am straining my eyes to see a direction, but can't make anything out. Please strain Your eyes to see my tears of earnest prayer, and Your ears to hear my prayers....Oh God, what are you waiting for?

summer's coming

2008-05-07T21:44:00.000-07:00

Dragging myself through the motion of teaching, yet hounding my children to be diligent till the end, makes me realize that either I am a hypocrite, or have forgotten that they are but children and tire as easily as I. How does one keep on keeping on, when the end is in sight, yet the end will not be reached even when all is officially said and done? How do I keep pressing on, knowing that once this page is turned, there is no sure thing on the next sheet of unwritten paper.
Does anyone really ever have a sure thing? Can we really ever know what tomorrow will bring? Does looking forward to summer make sense if summer may never come, or summer may be a scorching draught with no end in sight, or shade to cool one's life?
What is hope, if it isn't waiting for what is to come tomorrow, that may improve upon today. What is pressing on, if one doesn't have hope in something?
Summer is coming and perhaps with it, a change in the season of my life. Yet if not, how do I press on for Fall or Winter...or Spring of next year? How does anyone press on? Summer is coming, and with it the hope of change....

heavy hearts

2008-04-30T22:37:00.000-07:00

heavy hearts draw me to God
nothing helps to ease the load
only prayers aimed heavenward
keep my mind and heart and soul
from spinning down a deep abyss
from losing hope and sleeplessness
heaviness drives me to my knees
searching for the One who sees
all the pains earth has to give
all the evils in this life we live
turning to face the only One
who has passed the test
has heard well done
heavy hearts need a God that knows
the pain of which this life bestows
on young and old rich and poor
each of us must bare a load
thus heavy hearts come from
heavy chains and bags and yokes
that bear His Name
His yoke is easy His burden is light
this heavy heart needs His respite
and asks the God who gave it all
to carry my load and hear my call
heavy hearts need lifting

life everlasting

2008-04-28T10:09:00.000-07:00

"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Siimon, that your faith may not fail. And when ou have turned back, strengthen your brothers." Luke 22:31-32.My friend's funeral was yesterday. I only met him only once, but I know his wife and therefore I knew him because of her. Richard was diagnosed with a rare cancer and given weeks to live. He was sent home from the hospital to die. Yet, God saw things differently. God saw the plan of much longer than weeks. God saw what Richard would do for Him in the seventeen months he had to walk on this earth and God said, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."I believe that Satan wanted to sift Richard and Diana like wheat. I believe that God said, "Have you considered my servants Richard and Diana? They are blameless and upright, they fear God and shun evil." (paraphrase Job 2) I think that Satan said, "It is because you have blessed them. Strike his flesh and he will curse you. So will Diana. Take her best friend from her and she will curse you!" "Skin for Skin!" screams Satan, and Richard walked with a rare form of cancer, and an even rarer FAITH that all the world, including Satan was allowed to witness.Diana never gave up her faith that God would heal Richard. She said, "I believed that Richard was going to have a complete healing. I believed without wavering that the God who performed miracles in the Bible, still performed miracles today. Richard defied all medical knowledge and baffled the doctors on a weekly basis. They couldn't explain it, but we could. It was God. We are not able to understand the perfect plan that God has for each of us, but we do know that He is a loving God who only does what is best for His children. Richard was so happy to be right smack dab in the middle of God''s will for him. He soon began to realize that he was to sacrifice his miracle of healing here on earth so that others would receive theirs, just like Christ did for us." (quote from the memorial servise program.)John 12:24-25 says, "I tell you the truth, unless a kernal of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life." There was so much fruit present, new seeds, at Richard's service yesterday, standing room only really. The testimony that he gave was evident in the harvest that sat in the pews. Perhaps the greatest testimony however was the children that he leaves here on earth to carry on the work that God has already started. His daughter sang a song from the musical Wicked that said, "BECAUSE I KNEW YOU...I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR GOOD." This is Richard's legacy to his children and to his wife and to those of us priveleged to know him in some manner. BECAUSE I KNEW YOU...I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR GOOD! Can and will anyone say that about you? Will your life and therefore your death produce a harvest of fruit? I hope that mine will. I hope that any sifting that I will go through will result in fruit in the lives of others and praise from God. What about you?

Heroes

2008-04-10T15:39:00.000-07:00

Heroes
A routine trip to the library put my children and me in the presence of “Heroes”. As we left the children’s book room, we were invited to participate in a “Welcome Home” reception for a group of Marines just returning from Iraq. It was an opportunity too special to pass up and an important lesson to be shared with my children. These are the “Heroes” of America and America’s children need to be given the opportunity to rub shoulders with the men and women who give their all for this Great Nation of America, the “Heroes’ who keep this nation free for the next generation’s children.

These Marines, in full dress uniform, represent what is bold and beautiful about this country. As they stood at attention honoring one of their fellow soldiers; the discipline, the structure, the brotherhood that was displayed, in many ways represents this country as a whole. We too should stand at attention in unity when one of our nation’s “Heroes” walks by, for they are the very essence of the liberty we take for granted. They deserve more than a small and not well attended reception in a quiet room of a library. And yet we have forgotten them in our busy lives, the lives of peace, freedom and the pursuit of happiness that we enjoy at the expense of our Military and their families.

Most American’s seem to reach deep into the goodness compartment of their hearts after any tragedy occurs in the world. It defines us as a great nation, a giving nation, a people who care, and yet we are a nation that grows cold as quickly as it ignites behind a particular cause or event. We no longer are a people who stick to a goal until it is finished. We start well, but most never even finish the race. We are a nation that is defined by microwave passion, quick results and impatient longings. And I would assert that most American’s today could not have made it as a Pilgrim, a Patriot, or a Pioneer. We dream big, start strong and when the going gets inconvenient we quit, point fingers and find another banner to march under for a while.

America’s children, my children, must learn that America was built on the backs of men and women who gave there last breathe to the cause of freedom. They need to understand that life is not a fast forward to the best parts, but a dedicated grind, a discipline and a sacrifice to keep what is truly free, beautiful and brings joy. Our children must rub shoulders with the “Heroes” who live up to this standard, the men and women who are the present day Pilgrim, Patriot and Pioneer of this Great United States of America.

Give us this day our daily bread

2008-04-10T15:37:00.000-07:00

Give us this day our daily bread. These are words that Jesus used with the disciples when He shared with them how to pray. Our Father who art in heaven hallowed by Thy Name. If I truly believe that there is a Holy God in heaven, a Father whose very Name is Holy, then what will my life, my thoughts, my actions reflect? Am I desiring to see His kingdom come? Do I want His will done on earth as it is in heaven? By my very life, I don't live like I desire this. Heaven is holy perfection. Heaven is the throne room of the God of Creation. Heaven is bringing glory to God the Father and Jesus Christ always. Heaven is worship. Do I desire His perfect will, as it is portrayed in heaven to be portrayed in my life?
Give us this day our daily bread. The request for daily sustainance comes only after the allegience and surrender and worship of the Sustainer is given. Only then do I come ready to ask the Father to meet my needs. Does Daily Bread only refer to the physical? I submit that it does not. I believe that I should be asking God to give me what I need daily, the bread of His Word the Bible, to sustain and strengthen me for that day. To meet the spiritual hunger, the needs that I will have, so I will continue in an attitude of doing the Father's will. As with physical life, where we tend to eat at least three meals a day, we should begin to work on adding more meals to our spiritual life as well. Snacking on God's word through out the day would result in continued strength for journey of life with its hills and valleys. When I climbed Half Dome in Yosemite, having continual hydration as well as beneficial food to continue giving nourishment and strength to complete the climb was crucial. The food taken had to provide not only bursts of energy, but sustained energy as well. If I lived my life spiritually in this manner, I would eat a hearty breakfast, full of protein...the meat of the word. I would drink continually through out the day, relying on the power of the Holy Spirit through prayer. I would snack on the word through Scripture memory, grabbing spare moments to read short passage or verse. I would make sure that I had the milk of the Word as well. The words of Psalms or Proverbs could give me the short bursts of needed energy that eating a peice of fruit might provide. I need to be more concerned about my spiritual diet. I need to choose carefully what I eat, that it is not wasted nourishment or leathal nourishment. There needs to be planning in my day, so that I will eat the daily bread that God has given me. As with every meal, I need to thank the Father who provided for my physical and spiritual hunger.

2008-04-10T15:35:00.000-07:00

Sunday, June 24, 2007

But I say, “Walk in the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desires of the flesh. For the flesh sets it’s desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the Law. Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness carousing, and things like these of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.” (Galatians 5:16-25)

God is very specific as to what a Spirit-filled life looks like versus the sinful nature, and because of His “specific-ness”, we can test our lives, our motives and I believe even our music to determine what list it falls under. If one is led by the Spirit, abiding with God, the Spirit checks the heart and one’s walk when it is not Spirit led and producing fruit. Does this apply to worship? It absolutely applies, although music is only part of worship. Worship is about our daily lives and whether we are presenting ourselves as a living and holy sacrifice, which is our reasonable service of worship (Romans 12:1-2). Evaluating ourselves under the textual microscope of Galatians, can help us determine if our lives are Spirit led and fruitful or inheriting something other than the kingdom. I believe we can and should evaluate our music through this lens as well. C. S. Lewis says in his book The Weight of Glory, “All our merely natural activities will be accepted, if they are offered to God, even the humblest, and all of them, even the noblest, will be sinful if they are not (54).” So no matter what form our worship takes, done for God in humility it is acceptable.

A musician, skillfully trained and knowledgeable in musical theory, might wrestle with what God deems as “Good” music, “His Music”. Here is a scenario: Joe lives in a backwater town. He has played the guitar for 6 months and his buddy plays the jimba. They are the worship team for church. They play, “Let it Rise” and “More Love, More Power”, it’s what they know. The congregation joins in worship. They aren’t worried about how they sound; they come as children of God, doing their best. This is their offering. Is it not acceptable? Wrong rhythm? Show me a verse. Wrong words? Maybe? A heart broken in worship before God = a pleasing aroma.Joe is off key, he plays to the best of his 6 month ability, but God is honored because his life and therefore music represent a Spirit-filled life, an offering of praise. Does it sound good to a musically trained ear? Maybe not. Does it sound good to God? His ear is trained to hear the heart, not necessarily the sounds of the music. I believe that God takes the sounds that we make for Him, purifies them with fire and it becomes music that even the angels enjoy.

The Bible says we are to play skillfully to the Lord. The skill is what the Lord has given us and we use it, even if it is a drop in the bucket compared to another man’s skill, to glorify Him. God doesn’t quantify the skill, He requires that we do all to glorify Him. Just like the woman with the mite, she gave of what she had. Ultimately she gave back to God what He had given her, and we are to do the same. We are to give, to play, to teach, or to sing skillfully with what God has entrusted to us. God is very descriptive and detailed oriented. His Word lays out in precise detail how the Old Testament temple was to be crafted and how the New Testament church is to be orderly. He tells us how sin is to be dealt with and how salvation must be received. Even our bodies give evidence of the amazing detail God has ordained. However, nowhere do I see, in either the Old or New Testament a detailed description of the genre or style of music that is to be played. And if one could go and find the music of Israel, 3000 years ago, and learn to play the songs and sounds of this chosen nation, they still wouldn’t necessarily be God’s favorites. Why? They were still written by sinful men. David was filled with the Spirit and inspired when he wrote so many of Psalms, but the melody for these God inspired verses are lost in antiquity. Is it because God desires that we find a new song in our hearts? It is the heart of the song, the life giving words that bring a person to reflect on the beauty of the Lord, the music itself is only the gift wrapping. We have an advantage in that we always have the Spirit, if we are a child of God. He is our Counselor, our Spirit of Truth, our Comforter and our “Conviction” (John14:17 & 26, Hebrews 4:12). The music of ancient Israel, though beautiful, came from feeble men, like you and me. Although they were a chosen people, that didn’t keep them from repeatedly sinning against the Lord, like you and me. Our heritage, chosen and washed by the blood and sealed with the Holy Spirit can help us make music that is godly and holy, because it is generally written during times of devotion and prayer and study with God. We also can take a song written by a child of God, even an ancient Jewish hymn and make it a clanging symbol, if we are playing and singing it with a divided heart.One must follow God’s lead and prayerfully seek Him in the matter of correct musical style, because no where is it described in the Word. To dictate a style by justifying it with the traditions of the rabbi’s, is to add (like the rabbi’s, Pharisee’s and teachers of the law) something that is not part of the true worship of God. John 4:24 says that, “God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.” This is the requirement God demands of our music, it must line up with this and it should produce the fruit of the Spirit as well. This is a good furnace to test our worship music and our motives. To much is given….much is required. As a Christian musician, one must desire to know God and His heart.

One must recognize the Creator, and create music to bring honor and glory to His Name alone.Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Handel all had gifts that were at times used for God’s glory. The music they crafted is “high music” and I believe that all generations would benefit from listening well and appreciating their music. It is a well rounded person who can enjoy many forms of art. There is music however, that in comparison is barely music. By most standards, today’s music falls very short of this standard of “high music”. However, if played by a willing and humble servant of God, it is majestic to Him because He hears tones we can not, the tone’s of a worshipping heart (1 Sam. 16:7) and the Spirit that dwells within the individual communes with the Father (Romans 8:26-27). Music is highly important to God. He created it. He wrote an entire hymnal in His Word in the book of Psalms. Our responsibility is to come before His presence with singing and praise as a result of what Jesus Christ has done for us. This is ultimately the only reason we can praise Him. There is freedom in knowing that I come through the blood, my heart is cleansed by the blood, the reason I sing is because of the blood and my offering of love is not to the law but to the law giver and the only One who fulfilled the law. We sing and worship and live and breathe in the grace that He provided, and not under the law. Praise God, because I know that I would never have anything worthwhile musically or otherwise if I was still under the Law. We have much to praise the Lord about! To much is given….much is required.

The Hairs on My Head

2008-04-10T14:48:00.000-07:00

The Hairs on My Head
Today I spoke to a brave little hero. She is as tall as a yard stick at best, and wore a plastic spider ring on her finger. She had blue painted toe-nails and a few shaved spots on her head. She told me about going to Disneyland this past Monday, about the Hospital where the Bear is and about her cousins coming to play today. She said her nurse's name was Andrea and she told me her Doctor's name. On Tuesday, my brave little hero had a brain biopsy and today, Thursday, God made it possible for her to be sharing these precious little memories with a world worried adult, putting into perspective how precious each day's memories really are.
God knows the number of hairs on my little hero's head, even after it was shaved for surgery. He knows how many hairs have begun to regrow since Tuesday's invasion. He knows that we are so caught up in our own lives, that we couldn't possibly handle keeping track of these kind of things, and so He does it for us. He keeps our tears in a bottle, He numbers our hairs and His "God Thoughts" toward us are precious. I don't understand why a sparrow will fall, but God sees it and cares. I don't know why a four year old little girl would get cancer on her brain stem, but God sees and He cares.
I will try and savor the precious moments each day and remember that tomorrow really does have enough worries for itself. I will realize that this moment is all each of us really has and that we must live right now for Christ and for those loved ones He has placed in our lives, for tomorrow may not ever come. I will try and enjoy the feeling of fatigue, as it comes from living hard and doing well. I will look at my children each time they come in the room as if this was the last time to create an impression of their faces in my mind. I will love my husband like we were saying goodbye for eternity and love him each moment with an eternal love. I will remember my hero Lauren, forty-eight hours out of brain surgery, and live like this child, not knowing what tomorrow will bring, but trusting my God to count my hairs, make the sun rise, capture and care for my tears, feed me and clothe me and never leave me nor forsake me.